HEALING

"I light a candle for you.
I light a candle for our shared memories.
I light a candle so that everyone will know you're home.
The warmth of the candle is the kindness you spread.
The steady flame is for being trust worthy and never letting us down.
The light is what you shed around during our darkest times.
I light a candle for the shared laughters.
I light a candle cause you're safe and sound.
I light a candle for you.







There are no words to explain how loss feels. How it feels going on for a week with no evidence, no news, no nothing. And the only thing you have is hope. Hope for the good outcome, even though you know the truth. Just wanting to find them, hug them, squeeze them. Just for one last time.
The news are not easy to receive. The grief hits you, the memories hit you and there's this overwhelming sadness that takes over. You feel empty. It all feels unreal. Cause how can a person just stop existing? How can a person you love not be around anymore? Not be around to laugh and hug you and be there? How is that possible?
The billion questions line up in your head, but the only thing you can do is stare. Stare into the unknown. Has it been 5 minutes or 5 hours since I moved the last time? Time flies by but stands still. Tears stream down and you don't even notice that your cheeks are wet. You hug your loved ones, sooth them. Suddenly someone hugs you, and you realize you were shaking. But are you shaking because you're cold or because you're crying so much?
It comes in waves. The crying, the accepting, the denial. And then you think you're crying but you're dried out. Your body can't provide you with anymore tears. But your body cries. It aches, your eyes hurt, your head starts pounding. But you feel none. You don't feel hunger, the cold, the hurt. You feel the emptiness. You feel your heart pumping in your throat. You feel a feeling you've never felt before. You want to be alone, but you don't.
Even though you know they won't come back, you secretly wish they will."










A little over a year ago I lost a close friend of mine. A year ago I wrote the text above, but I never published it. Why? I don't know. Losing him, made me empty and paralyzed. I couldn't write anymore. I couldn't express my feelings, my deepest thoughts which I've been able to do before. I closed in, built a wall. I do still, a year after feel everything that I wrote above. I still don't accept it, or believe it. Even though I know it's true. My heart aches most of the time and being around water makes me very uncomfortable. I cry a lot. I cry a lot because I miss him so much. Sometimes I'll start crying without even knowing why. And then it hits me. He's dead, he won't come back.






This event has effected me more than I would of ever imagened. I've always been able to write how I feel, more than being able to talk about it. Writing has been a sort of therapy for me. But since that, I haven't been able to. I think part of the reason is that I haven't been honest about how I feel to myself or the people close to me. I was very open about having lost a friend and what happened to him. Yes, I would cry while drunk about missing him. But that was a very small part of the hurt and pain I felt/feel. I think not talking about it made everything worse and heightened. And I think for me to be able to heal I need to write. To be able to write about everything and nothing, I need to be able to write about this. About him and how I feel about everything. This is for me.





For everyone who has ever lost someone, I feel with you.
For all you who are about to lose someone, life goes on even if you don't want it to.
For E's family, let me carry the burden for you.




For E, you are forever loved and in my thoughts.
Forever with me.